Halloween and I haven’t been able to see eye to eye since the 6th grade when a cruel enemy thought it would be funny to dress up as yours truly for the festivities. News had just been released that I stuffed my bra with tissue (so I used to borrow my older sisters double-stuffed water padded bra to fit in with the other girls) which made for an exciting new costume element. The kid showed up to school with a hideous blonde scraggle wig and had tissue pouring out from all ends of his pink tank top. As we all know, 6th grade was a tough and emotional time for the average teenage girl. I had recently quit gymnastics and was dealing with the ramifications of having a 10 pack and a mouthful of clunky braces that were supposed to fix my grinch-like teeth. My accompanying foul mouth didn’t make life any easier. Yet we move forth in life and find ways to push these sorts of events onto the back-burner.

This pre-halloween weekend was particularly special. I knew it was on and crackin once I was finally able to piece together all of the elements necessary to dress up as Tropic Thunder character Simple Jack. Though the overalls had mickey mouse characters stitched on the front and my wig was originally a “Perfect Housewife” quaff, when put together I was simple as they come. It was hands down one of the ugliest times in my life, and I loved every second of it. The only one trying to make a pass at me was the dog, which was weird because my buns looked bitchin in those 1980′s overalls. We had an epic crew and bopped around all night dancing like crazy and spilling fireball all over each other. Before I knew it the bars were closing and Simple was already half way to the nearest Mcdonald’s on foot, alone. A hongry bohemuth wanted to cut in front of me so he offered to throw my chicken tinders on his tab. I obliged and skipped out the door toward home, McDonalds bag and giant diet coke in hand.

There were half naked drunken idiots swarming throughout the streets, but when I got to my street things fell silent. It was dark but I kept moving, seeing only one person ahead of me across the street. Of course he was walking at a snails pace… and dressed in all black from head to toe with a giant black bag thrown over his shoulder. I tried to keep my distance behind him but he paused, turned my direction and stared for what seemed like eternity. “Da hell Gentry?” My inner conscious warned. I busted ass in the other direction heading back to a place with people and lights, figuring I’d come in at another angle to avoid this sketchy son-of-a-bitch. I crossed through a well lit parking lot and tried to make a beeline for my apartment but lo and behold there he was again, standing and staring straight at me. He jumped toward me and I bolted, tossing the diet coke into oblivion. By the time I got back to the main street I was wheezing and terrified. To make things worse no one would take my Simple ass seriously because my Simple bowl cut was bobbie pinned to my head like Toad’s mushroom. Luckily one of my idgit friends was swallowing a burrito whole at a nearby restaurant and helped me grab the coppers. Officer Buttscratcher let me sit shotty all the way home and even inspected the area once we arrived. Ladies let this be a lesson, there are some WEIRDO’s out there, and you never know who’s coppin what. Better safe than sorry…and dead.

I conquered #12 on random Tumblr’s 20 things to do before graduating college and slept till about 4pm on Saturday. Everyone was in hype mode supreme about the Hard Rock party so I copped a ticket and threw together a vampire costume. A couple chiseled down fangs, some squirted fake blood and a cape and I was ready to rock n roll as an actual girl this time around. And HOLY TALETO what a party it was. There were about 8 different levels and 30 different DJ’s all bumping the same epic racket. The goose was a-flow and the costumes were a show. I was even fortunate enough to bump head on into a black man wearing only a G-string and a baseball cap.

To all of you folks out there sitting at home on your couches in America, be safe this Halloween and enjoy the festivities!

Love, Bigglesworth